My Unhappy Marriage

I have a confession to make. I dread editing. Hate it. With a passion.

I know that it's the most important part of the writing process, but it simply can't compare to the wild, heady rush of the first draft. Falling in love with my characters and world is magical and wonderful and the reason that I love writing.

In my opinion, editing is like marriage.

First, you look at your new husband/manuscript and think to yourself, why did I ever pick this person? What was I thinking? He's all wrong. His hair is unruly, his eyebrows bushy, and he's bloated around the middle. We won't even mention his toenail fungus. I've made a terrible decision!

Next, you think about how much he annoys you in the present and evades your attempts to improve him. You cut his hair too short, so he's got this strange asymmetrical hairdo. You over-pluck his eyebrows, so he's got this perpetual look of surprise. His flabby middle isn't improving no matter how many sit-ups you make him do--he may have even gotten a hernia for his efforts. And the toe fungus? Let's just say that Digger the Dermatophyte isn't going anywhere.

Finally, you look toward the future. You have this sinking realization that you are ashamed to be with him. You wish that you never would have married him. You're going to have to lock him in the house and never, under any circumstances, show him to anyone--like the wife in the attic in Jane Eyre. You might even pretend that you're single. It's better than the dreaded questions: What does your husband do? Can you show me a picture? Can I meet him some time?

Your blood, which used to run so hot, is so cold that you're about to die from hypothermia. Don't go to sleep--you might never wake up! There's only one thing to do. Get a divorce. Change your name. Pretend like this terrible marriage never happened.

Or...stay with him, faults and all. Fix what you can, and learn to love the rest. Look for his good points. His hair, despite being strange, is really thick and soft. His eyebrows have been growing back in. He's starting to lose weight, slowly but surely, and didn't you marry him for his appetite anyway? As for the toe fungus, call in the professionals. Give him some potent anti-fungals. The money is worth it in order to have clear, healthy pink toenails.

In the end, the only way to reap the benefits of marriage are to stay in it, work on it, figure out why you loved the person to begin with and build on your strengths together. You've got to face the pain in order to reap the benefits. Didn't anyone ever tell you that marriage--I mean, writing--is hard work?

Memory Championships!

Next year, I'll tell you where you can find me...in New York City! I've set a personal goal of attending the U.S. Memory Championships. If I win, I'll get a free ticket to the world championships in England.

What are the memory championships? Well, basically, you have to memorize stuff like decks of cards and poetry and random numbers. And you have to memorize it quickly. If you are fast and accurate, you win!

Why am I doing this? Well, when I was six or seven-years-old, I memorized a deck of cards forwards and backwards for my grandfather. He was so astonished that he still talks about it. He wanted me to become a card counter in Vegas, but with the advent of card shuffling machines (which render card counting useless), I'm going to have to look elsewhere for memory fame and glory.

Actually, you don't need an above average memory to win the Memory Championships. You just have to understand memory techniques and practice them until you become quick and proficient. That's what Joshua Foer, who wrote Moonwalking with Einstein, claims anyway. We'll see if he's right. I bought the book (it's still in the mail), and I plan to use the resources that he provides to seek out primary sources from memory experts. Then I plan to practice every day.

I must admit that I like to indulge in delusions of grandeur at times, and while I will never excel at any physical sport, world domination in a mental sport is still within my grasp. I may be really bad at it. I may lack the motivation to excel. I'm going to give it a shot, though, and I'm going to go to the championship in New York (barring world disasters, ill health, or travel mishaps).

I'm so excited. Anyone out there in the blogosphere have random life goals that they want to share?